Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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