An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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