I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
