i think my mom watched the whole time
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize