Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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