I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
