we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
