the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my shit smells like andre
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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