Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
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