The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
