You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
