pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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