I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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