Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
