M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
