Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
