The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
