i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
