I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
