you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
