So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Randomize
