I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
