I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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