Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
