it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
