When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
