apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
