youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
