We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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