just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
