Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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