All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
