I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
