When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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