PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
