i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
