i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
