I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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