Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
