I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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