Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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