u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
