So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
