We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
