I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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