i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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