Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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