I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
