Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
