Need sex. Gaining weight.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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