Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
