2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
