You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
