3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
