Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
