Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
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