dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
