She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i will never coherently bang her
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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