I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
