Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
